There’s nothing harder than admitting that something is fundamentally wrong with you.
That’s one of the first steps to recovery, though. It’s a hard one to conquer. At least, it was for me. There wasn’t anything I would rather not do than admit to myself and to others that something is deeply wrong. “The problem isn’t you, it’s your disease,” people would say. But that isn’t true. The problem both me and my disease. I’ve been doing my best to accept this. I’ve been attempting to raise my white flag since I began struggling at age 13, but I never wanted to put the work in that it takes to finally admit defeat. It’s hard. Getting better is hard.
The one thing harder than getting better is staying better. It’s a conscious effort. Even in my recovery, past treatment, past the chaos, I’m still struggling to stay okay. When you’re in treatment, they don’t tell you how hard things will be after you leave. You get a lot of the hard work out of the way in treatment, but after you’re discharged you have to start putting your new skills into place. You have to learn how to deal with real life without drinking, cutting, getting high, or whatever other behavior you used to cope with general existence. Recovery is a bitch.
It’s something I’m actively working on. That’s part of why I decided to start a blog- I figured that if other people could write about their recovery process, I could too. And why the hell not put it on the internet? Maybe someone else out there could get something out of this. It’s just another thing to do with my time, another thing to give me motivation. Between school, my other blog (it’s TheFriday13.com. I interview bands. Shameless plug), and obviously, recovery, you’d think I would be staying pretty busy. I would have thought that too. But apparently, I have too much time on my hands. Here’s another messy, productive, self-absorbed way to spend my time. Blogging. Real blogging. This is different. This time, things will be different.